Arsene Wenger’s (Fake) Weekly Newsletter

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Photo via Ronnie Macdonald

Bonjour, Arsenal fans!

As promised, I have something very special for you this week – my transfer shortlist.  I believe my team and I have worked extremely hard over the past few days in order to scout out players for Arsenal to sign this summer, and I can’t wait to share our findings with you all.

Sadly, my scouting missions were cut short after television cameras caught my chief scout in action while he was watching James Rodríguez play against Brazil.

https://vine.co/v/MUjhXWqxlUF

It is disappointing when something like this happens, as we like to conduct our transfer business secretly as Arsenal, and video recordings like this alert clubs to our transfer targets.  Therefore, I believe it would be best to end our pursuit of James Rodríguez this summer.  It wouldn’t have worked out anyway.  Did you see how upset he was at getting knocked out of a major tournament?  He’d have to get used to that sort of thing at Arsenal.

So, without further adieu, here is the list of my transfer targets so far.  For me, they are the best players available this summer.  Enjoy:

 

Antoine Griezmann

Current Club: Real Sociedad

Age: Can’t grow a proper beard

Injury Record: Terrible – he rarely misses a game

French-ness: 100%

Future Manchester City Transfer Fee: £25 million

Strengths

–          No one knows who he is

–          Arsenal bloggers pretend to know who he is

–          He’s actually French

Weaknesses

–          He sometimes kicks the ball in the direction of the goal

–          Doesn’t play in Ligue 2

–          Doesn’t even play in Ligue 1 – come on!

 

Salomon Kalou

Current Club: Lille

Age: He was alive when this was released:

Injury Record: OK

French-ness: 0%

Future Manchester City Transfer Fee: £2 million

Strengths

–          He fills a position we actually need to strengthen

–          He’s not a total waste of space

–          He’d probably say he supported Arsenal as a kid in interviews

–          He plays in Ligue 1

Weaknesses

–          Has played in the Premier League before

–          He’s a bit old

–          He’s not French

 

Lucas Libbra

Current Club: Gazélec Ajaccio

Age: Unknown

Injury Record: Unknown

French-ness: Unknown

Future Manchester City Transfer Fee: £0-£100 million

Strengths

–          He plays in Ligue 2

–          Literally no one knows who he is

–          He doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page

–          There’s a good chance he might actually exist

Weaknesses

–          Even I don’t know who he is

–          He might not actually be French

 

Abou Diaby

Current Club: Arsenal

Age: Feels like he’s been with us for an eternity

Injury Record: Excellent – he’ll probably injure himself reading this newsletter

French-ness: 100%

Manchester City would give us: A signed photo of Nasri to put on eBay

Strengths

–          He’s just like a new signing

–          He’s just like a new signing

–          He’s just like a new signing

–          He’s just like a new signing

–          He’s just like a new signing

Weaknesses

–          People actually know who he is

 

2002 CITROEN XSARA LX 8V GREEN

CITRON

Current Club: It is on eBay for £143

Age: It’s done 109,233 miles

Injury Record: “normal wear and tear for a vehicle this age”

French-ness: 100%

Future Manchester City Transfer Fee: £20

Strengths

–          It’s definitely French

–          It has five doors

–          Petrol, not diesel

–          Only two previous owners

–          The handbrake is currently broken, so it’d never play with that on

Weaknesses

–          The nature of eBay could force us into a bidding war

–          A new steering rack is required

For me, this is an excellent transfer shortlist, and I will try my best to sign at least one of these players this summer.

You might be wondering why I have published this list on a website for all to see, considering how secretive I am with my transfer dealings.  Well, the answer is simple: no one reads these articles.

Don’t let us know who you’d like to sign in the comments.  No one bothers to check them.