Arsene Wenger’s (Fake) Weekly Newsletter


Bonjour, Arsenal fans!

Is is me, Arsene Wenger, and I have some very exciting news for you.

For me, Fresh Arsenal is the best football website out there.  I believe that it is full of writers with fantastic technical ability and great mental attitudes.  Therefore, I have decided to write a weekly newsletter exclusively for the site – just for you Gooners to enjoy.

Overall, I feel this week started positively.  Niklas Bendtner was released from the club and we hope to announce him as an Arsenal player in the coming weeks – just like a new signing.

Speaking of new signings, I know you will all want information on this front, and I am pleased to announce that Abou Diaby is looking fresh and ready to start next season strongly.  Physically, mentally, technically – these are all words I’ve taken off a list.  I’m not sure what they mean, but they probably apply to Abou.

I believe that there is nothing more to say about signings.  We only want to sign *special players this summer, and the World Cup – the biggest and most prestigious football competition on the planet – is not the place to find them.  France is.  Am I in France?  No, so stop asking about transfers!  I give my 100% to Arsenal all year round.  You can trust me when I say I am trying my best to sign new players every hour of every day.  Time is of the essence, and I can assure you I am hard at work 24/7 trying to improve our squad for next season.

Later in the week I played a game of volleyball.

It was a fantastic experience!  I believe in the first half I played with the handbrake on a little, but overall, my quality came through and I was able to win the match.

Afterwards, I was able to take photos with some beautiful Brazilian women.  Physically, they were of the highest quality.

I believe that I upset one of the locals after getting a little bit too close to one of the girls.  I think he said his name was Soute Hampton, and he confronted me about his partner – who I believe was called Shni Der-Lin.  He begged me not to take her from him and clearly felt threatened by my irresistible physique.  I smiled at him and prayed he’d eventually leave me alone.  Luckily for me, he eventually did.

Afterwards, a few of my friends decided to go for a swim.  I chose not to – so yes, I did not sea it.

Overall, I think that this week went quite well.  Yes, it is difficult to focus on Arsenal in the super, super heat of Brazil, but I believe I have shown fantastic mental toughness to get through it.  My target for next week is to write up my list of transfer targets this summer, and as you can imagine, my current location makes scouting them much easier.  That’s right, my hotel has great WiFi, and I’ve been able to watch numerous Ligue 2 highlight reels on YouTube since I arrived.

I will report back next week once I have sorted out my transfer targets.  Until then – au revoir!

*Note to editor – “special” is how you English say “pas cher”, is it not?

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