Job Hunt: Finding Niklas Bendtner A New Job – Pt. 3

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I ran into a problem this week – a big problem.

After last week’s success in the twitter “ITK” industry – with a little help from Indy Kaila – I thought this week would be simple.  I’d call Bendtner, have him set up a new twitter account, and then begin spreading some juicy rumours.  However, there was a problem – Bentdner wasn’t returning any of my calls.

Something was wrong.  Something was foul.  I had to know what was going on, so I called him again.

He didn’t answer – which was to be expected after the dramatic end to the first paragraph.

What was going on?  Why was Niklas ignoring me?  Would the explanation fit into a 500 word Fresh Arsenal column?  These were the kind of questions that were on my mind.

In an attempt to contact him through the power of the internet, I searched for his twitter account and started to message him repeatedly.  Still, he didn’t reply.

And then I saw it.

Proudly placed under his melancholic profile picture was a link to a brand new website called “Noblebybendtner.com”.  A few hours of code-cracking and I managed to decipher the true title: “Nob Le Byb Endtner”, which appeared to be some ancient French phrase.

After clicking the link and following through to the website, I discovered it actually read “Noble by Bendtner”.  Close enough, I thought.

I was surprised to learn that big B had a website full of expensive jewellery, all designed by the cheeky Dane himself.

I began to read the descriptions of some of his products.  Bracelets and necklaces were made from a variety of materials; soft lamb skin, genuine Stingray skin – I half expected to see a jacket made from Wayne Rooney’s dead hair follicles.  It was like a scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I then moved to the home page, and saw a picture of a stunning blonde model.  It was like a scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake.

I was disgusted.  His website was an abomination; a disgrace to civil society.  Why was he killing animals for their skin; how could he do so without feeling remorseful; and above all else – where was my cut?

When Bendtner was short of luck, I did all I could to help him.  I expected him to repay the favour.  I was wrong.

So, this is the end.  I’ve failed.  I’ve let down every Fresh Arsenal reader.  I had one job to do

Or, you could say… I’ve succeeded!  Yeah, that’s right!  Bendtner has a job now – a real job!

So, it’s probably better if you just ignore everything I’ve said in the rest of this article.  It’s not important.  What is important is that I – Jack Gillespie – have managed to do the impossible.  I’ve – inadvertently – found Niklas Bendtner a job he’s actually – probably – good at.

And it goes without saying that should Bendtner ever read this article – and he definitely will – then he’d probably want to send me a cut of his profits.  If he does, then he can get in contact with me through the site.

I’m waiting Niklas.  I’m waiting.

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