I ran into a problem this week – a big problem.
After last week’s success in the twitter “ITK” industry – with a little help from Indy Kaila – I thought this week would be simple. I’d call Bendtner, have him set up a new twitter account, and then begin spreading some juicy rumours. However, there was a problem – Bentdner wasn’t returning any of my calls.
Something was wrong. Something was foul. I had to know what was going on, so I called him again.
He didn’t answer – which was to be expected after the dramatic end to the first paragraph.
What was going on? Why was Niklas ignoring me? Would the explanation fit into a 500 word Fresh Arsenal column? These were the kind of questions that were on my mind.
In an attempt to contact him through the power of the internet, I searched for his twitter account and started to message him repeatedly. Still, he didn’t reply.
And then I saw it.
Proudly placed under his melancholic profile picture was a link to a brand new website called “Noblebybendtner.com”. A few hours of code-cracking and I managed to decipher the true title: “Nob Le Byb Endtner”, which appeared to be some ancient French phrase.
After clicking the link and following through to the website, I discovered it actually read “Noble by Bendtner”. Close enough, I thought.
I was surprised to learn that big B had a website full of expensive jewellery, all designed by the cheeky Dane himself.
I began to read the descriptions of some of his products. Bracelets and necklaces were made from a variety of materials; soft lamb skin, genuine Stingray skin – I half expected to see a jacket made from Wayne Rooney’s dead hair follicles. It was like a scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
I then moved to the home page, and saw a picture of a stunning blonde model. It was like a scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake.
I was disgusted. His website was an abomination; a disgrace to civil society. Why was he killing animals for their skin; how could he do so without feeling remorseful; and above all else – where was my cut?
When Bendtner was short of luck, I did all I could to help him. I expected him to repay the favour. I was wrong.
So, this is the end. I’ve failed. I’ve let down every Fresh Arsenal reader. I had one job to do
Or, you could say… I’ve succeeded! Yeah, that’s right! Bendtner has a job now – a real job!
So, it’s probably better if you just ignore everything I’ve said in the rest of this article. It’s not important. What is important is that I – Jack Gillespie – have managed to do the impossible. I’ve – inadvertently – found Niklas Bendtner a job he’s actually – probably – good at.
And it goes without saying that should Bendtner ever read this article – and he definitely will – then he’d probably want to send me a cut of his profits. If he does, then he can get in contact with me through the site.
I’m waiting Niklas. I’m waiting.