Bonjour, Arsenal fans!
I am sure you will all be extremely pleased with our latest signing – Alexis Sanchez. He is a very special player with fantastic technical ability and a strong desire to win. Unfortunately, he isn’t French, but it is very hard to tick every box in today’s market.
For this week’s newsletter, I have decided to reveal exactly how I managed to pull off the signing of the summer – exclusively for Fresh Arsenal fans.
It all started last summer when I first attempted to sign the Chilean international from Barcelona. I called the Spanish club early on in the window and enquired about Alexis’ availability:
Me: “Hello, this is Arsene Wenger. I am enquiring about the availability of Alexis Sanchez.”
Barcelona’s Negotiator: “Yeah, he’s in stock, what size do you want?”
Me: “I am willing to pay an extra large sum to secure his signature.”
Barcelona’s Negotiator: “Extra large then? That’s fine, send me your details and we’ll get your purchase delivered to your home.”
Three days later I received an extra large Alexis Sanchez Barcelona shirt in the post. It must have been the Catalan way of telling me he wasn’t for sale.
I was feeling down but far from defeated. I decided if I wanted Sanchez I’d have to come up with a cunning plan – and I did just that.
A few days later, Barcelona called me back. They wanted to finalise the transfer of David Villa to Arsenal, which had been arranged in January of that year. I claimed that we lacked the funds to complete the deal, and told Barcelona they’d have to find another suitor. David Villa did not take this news well. He was furious! Later that day, he called me and began to shout vile abuse over the phone:
“Is this how you English clubs treat players? The deal was agreed! How could you pull out? I promise you this – I will never set foot in your country ever again! I’m staying in Spain. Good luck with Bendtner and the rest of your ‘amazing’ strike force – idiot!”
A few days later, David joined Atlético Madrid. The first stage of my plan was complete.
I now had a new problem to overcome. I had to find a way to keep Luis Suarez at Liverpool for one more season. This was going to be tough. I knew that Real Madrid were readying an offer of over £80 million for the Uruguayan’s services, and Liverpool were likely to agree to his sale.
I therefore decided I would have to change Liverpool’s mind. I had to anger them; enrage them to such a degree they would block any moves for a whole year. I sat in my office for hours as I pondered how best to overcome this obstacle.
A few days later, I received a tip-off from Suarez’ agent. He told me that he had inserted a clause in Luis’ contract that allowed any club to speak to the player if they made an offer of over £40 million, although he advised me to bid over £45 million to avoid angering The Reds. Bingo! I quickly put together a bid of £40 million and one pound and forwarded it on to Liverpool’s owner. Like David Villa, he was outraged by my cheek, and decided to end all discussions for Suarez until next summer.
With Luis Suarez no longer for sale, Real Madrid turned their attention to Gareth Bale. After lengthy negotiations, they agreed a £85 million fee for the winger, and to help them cover the Welshman’s costs, I decided to take their star playmaker, Mesut Özil, off their hands for £42 million. He wasn’t French, but who cares? He’s Mesut bloody Özil!
Stage two was complete.
With my work finished for one transfer window, I was able to manage Arsenal through their 2013/14 season worry-free, but once the season came to a close – my plan sprung into action yet again.
My first task this summer was getting a job as a World Cup pundit for French TV. This granted me free travel to Brazil and a seat in the crowd for every game. With this luxury achieved, I could complete the crucial stage of my plan.
Before the Italy versus Uruguay game, I paid a visit to Italy’s changing room to ‘scout’ a few players – my left hand coated in seasoning. Once inside, I made my way over to Giorgio Chiellini to give him a few words of encouragement.
“You’ll do well today, Giorgio. Just make sure you’re fully focused and you’ll be fine.”
Once I’d delivered those kind words, I gave the defender a firm pat on the shoulder using my left hand, and then returned to me seat for the game.
In the 79th minute of the match, Suarez helped me complete stage three of my plan:
https://vine.co/v/MtghFjrFzlI
Now that Count Pratt-ula had sunk his teeth into a third player, Liverpool would be forced to sell him this summer, and with Real Madrid being short of funds after the Bale deal, there was only one club that could afford him – Barcelona. They were desperate to sign a new striker after David Villa, the star goalscorer they sold to Atlético Madrid, had helped his new club win La Liga – humiliating Barcelona in the process. However, they’d have to make sales first…
The biggest asset they would no doubt have to put on the market was Alexis Sanchez – the player I tried to sign last summer. I was extremely close to completing my plan, but I would have to fight off one last enemy.
That enemy was Chelsea. I knew they would want to spend some of their David Luiz money on Sanchez. It was a no-brainer. I had to find a way of tricking them into wasting their transfer funds. This was a job for Agent Fabregas:
Cesc: “Hello, is that you boss? Look, Arsene, I really want to return to Arsenal this summer. I’ve spoken to Barcelona and they said they’ll allow me to leave. Do you have a place for me?
Me: “Yes, Cesc, I do. I want to you play in midfield… for Chelsea. I need you to take up some of their transfer funds.”
Cesc: “OK, anything for you boss. But what should I do once I join them?”
Me: “The same as Van Persie is doing at United – play terribly. You’ll have them finishing 7th in no time.”
https://vine.co/v/MjFMWTvttnz
With my double agent keeping Chelsea busy, the way was clear for me to sign Sanchez for Arsenal.
On the 10th of July, the deal for Alexis Sanchez was finalised. I love it when a plan comes together.
So there you have it. I would like to thank you all for your patience over this past year. I know you were all anxious and desperate to see world-class players arrive at the Emirates, but you must understand these things take time.
They don’t call me ‘Le Professeur’ for nothing.