This week in a column that is becoming increasingly hard to write, I decided to try to get Bendtner a job that required no qualifications whatsoever – something that was specifically designed for idiots to do.
That job was a twitter-in-the-know-football-transfer-account… person.
But I needed some help. It would be unfair to just unleash Niklas into an industry that even I knew nothing about, so I decided to enlist the help of the “ITK tweeter” known Indy Kaila.
I sent him a direct message on twitter to set the wheels in motion, and he was quick to reply:
“No worrys [sic] Jack. Just come to my offis [sic] and I’ll teech [sic] you everything you need to no [sic]”
Brilliant! I jumped in my car, and set off on a journey to his office – his parent’s basement in Leicester.
Once I arrived, I sheepishly chapped on his door. I was feeling starstruck already. His mother answered, and guided me down to his “transfer centre” – a closet-like room with a computer, chair, and bucket inside. I didn’t want to know the bucket was for.
“Jack Gillespie enters the Indy Kaila transfer centre – exclusive, exclusive!” Indy yelled.
I asked him to teach me how to be a top twitter ITK. I wanted to know all the ins-and-outs of the business; how to get sources, exclusive transfer stories, and thousands of followers. He was happy to help me on my quest.
First on the list was the biggest question of them all – how do you get top, top sources? “Watch and learn,” said the 14-year-old wiz kid. He proceeded to refresh Geoff Arsenal’s twitter feed. That’s that one crossed off the list.
The next technique I had to master was how to land those big transfer exclusives. How on earth could someone running such a small organization get hold of transfer stories before anyone else? For this task, Indy phoned up his “super-special player agent” – a 15-year-old lad called Aaron, who had diabetes – and asked him to come over straight away. “He’s my secret insider,” he said.
Ten minutes later and Aaron had finally arrived. He stood in the doorway majestically – like a version of Guillem Balague that wasn’t allowed to eat chocolate due to medical reasons. I felt honoured to be in his presence.
“Aaron gets me the exclusives,” Indy explained, “tell him how it works buddy.”
I was surprised to learn that Aaron was none-other than the agent of Mario Balotelli. I found this a little hard to believe, as Aaron didn’t have an Italian accent. Apart from that, everything seemed legit.
Indy told me that Aaron was able to find out about the latest transfer stories before anyone else thanks to his ties to Balotelli – even stories related to players that had nothing to do with the Italian striker. It sounded a little hard to believe, but he has 147,000 followers on twitter, so it must have been true.
And speaking of followers – how had he accumulated so many? What was his secret? I asked him to enlighten me.
“It’s all about quality content. If you keep delivering topical tweets on a daily basis, people will hit that follow button. Now, I’ve taught you enough. It’s time for you to leave,” Indy concluded.
He had one last look on twitter, entered a “win an Xbox One” competition, and then showed me the door.
I felt like I’d learnt a lot from Indy. His words of wisdom would surely help me start Bendtner on the right track to becoming a professional twitter ITK.
When I got home, I noticed Indy had sent me one last direct message on twitter. It simply said:
“Bet £10 Get £20 Free with William Hill. Credited as 2 x FREE £10 BETS To use as you like! Type PromoCode WC20”
Wise words my friend, wise words.
* None of this might have actually happened. Apart from the Xbox One tweet – he really did enter that competition.